Coasting

May 04, 2017

Coasting

I still have moments when I forget to tell people that I'm a teacher and not a student. The distinction almost feels arbitrary sometimes, as if this year in Korea is part of a study abroad experience and not a job. The next Oberlin class is graduating in three weeks, and that feels absurdly soon to me.

I was recently talking to one of my former students who's now in the third grade (senior year), and she asked me how old I am. When I told her I was 22, soon to be 23, she was shocked - apparently all the students think that I'm at least a few years older than that. Because of the start and end times of the Korean school year, a lot of my students are only five, some even four, years younger than me. I often feel more like a big sister to them than a real teacher, especially since I'm still learning about Korea every day. I tried to describe my position to her, saying "You know, I'm kind of a special teacher. Like, not a real, full teacher here." And she was totally confused. "No, but you are. Everyone knows you are. You have so much authority!" This student is nearly fluent in English, by the way.

I think the reality lies somewhere in the middle, and I realized it's easy to forget how far I've come and how comfortable I am in the school routine now. Things that I once agonized over, like when to walk to the cafeteria for lunch, how to find the auditorium, and whether or not my fashion sense is 'too foreign,' hardly cross my mind anymore. I'm still an outsider and I definitely feel like one - I don't understand the majority of what my coworkers say, I'm not expected to go to faculty meetings because they're in Korean, and my classes are sometimes canceled for other activities because they're considered expendable. But, I do teach completely on my own. I have my own classroom, TWO computers, a desk in the teacher's office, and I give grades. In my head, I've just been doing the 'fake it 'til you make it' routine, but it turns out that something real has resulted from it.

To Renew or Not to Renew

The deadline for renewal applications was just over a week ago. I didn't submit one.

This was not a decision I made lightly, but I know it's the right one for me. For so long I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle just existing in Korea, and then somehow this spring has been almost the opposite. I know part of that is because I moved out of my homestay, which has resulted in a lot more freedom and a lot less stress. I also realize that it would make sense for me to stay another year now that I've become comfortable, formed stronger relationships, and I would have more time to learn the language. But honestly, I feel ready to go home and do something else that's not teaching. I oscillate between getting sentimental about Korea, my students, my love of convenience store kimbap, and feeling very, very ready to go back home where I'm not an anomaly to be stared at or fetishized in public, where I understand what people are saying, where I can be around family and friends on a more regular basis, etc etc etc. I'm not sure exactly where I'll land after I come back, but I'm okay with that.

March, April, May

So what exactly have I been up to over the past few months? Besides teaching a new batch of first grade students (who are, for the most part, total angels. I guess they haven't become jaded by the Korean high school system yet), I've taken on a couple new things.

Running a 10k

Toward the end of winter, I signed up for a 10k race that was held in early April. For me, this was a Big Deal.

I've been an on and off runner for the past few years, although I wouldn't consider myself a true ~athlete~. Growing up, I had to take a state-mandated fitness test every year which included a timed mile run. Without exaggeration, I was the second or third slowest person in my grade of about 330 people, usually clocking in around 14 minutes. Yes, truly. I am someone who enjoys defying expectations, even those of my middle school gym teachers. I failed the test every year until high school. I couldn’t fathom how someone could actually run a whole mile and not die, and I always privately assumed that other kids had better running genes.

A few summers ago I started doing regular runs with my friend Maddy. I was still slow, and Maddy usually ran ahead and then doubled back to cheer me on. But, gradually we increased our distance, and by the end of the summer, I could run somewhere between 3 and 5 miles without stopping.

I'm still astonishingly slow, but I can say with confidence I no longer "run" a 14-minute mile. I found that having this concrete, 10k goal to commit to over the past few months has given me a sense of accomplishment and confidence even if I'm struggling in other aspects of the grant year. I practiced the 6.2 miles twice before the actual race day, and I was astonished both times I completed them.

I also see my students sometimes when I run, since I live close to my school. They usually say hi pretty sheepishly, maybe embarrassed that they caught me with sweat, a red face, and audible breathing. I never see any other young women exercise in public, and I know my students and people in the community view me as an oddity. I get mixed reactions, from male harassment to little kids excitedly joining me for a few strides. I know my students are always surprised too. My hope though, is that even if it seems strange, they can point to one woman they know who does sweat in public and doesn’t worry about always looking perfect. Who knows if that’s what they take away from it, but I like to think that they might.

In a turn of events, I didn't actually get to run the official 10k in Gunsan. I had signed up with a friend from Iksan who was planning on just running the 5k portion, but because of a website glitch, our registrations never went through. By the time we called to ask about what happened, all of the spots had been filled. We still met up that Sunday anyway and ran a relaxed 5k together along the water, and it ended up being a nice day. But, I do hope that some day I can do a 10k race officially, with the bib number and everything.

Tutoring North Korean Defectors

A few weeks ago, I started tutoring North Korean defectors on Wednesdays with three other ETAs. Emma and I were placed with five elementary school boys, and NKD is more or less a regular tutoring program - most kids who come from defected families barely remember North Korea or grew up in another country like China or Vietnam on the long journey to South Korea. Nevertheless, I'm not even sure where to begin when describing the experience. To say that these kids are rambunctious would be an understatement. In our last session, we had to have three adults in the room to keep just one or two of them focused at any given moment. I've heard that this is similar for other ETAs doing NKD, but I don't want to make any generalizations about this being related to their status as North Korean defectors, because I really don't know enough about it.

Am I really making a difference here? I would be lying to say that I'm teaching them a lot of English, but I do feel like they're getting something from the continued exposure to a westerner and a native English speaker, which they will probably continue to get through this program as they grow up. Some weeks don't feel very impactful, but I'm satisfied at least being a drop in the bucket.

Jeju Spring Conference

One of the big highlights of spring was definitely our conference on Jeju-do (Jeju Island) just south of the Korean peninsula. Fulbright somehow booked us all rooms in a Hyatt for three nights, and it was really nice. Like, koi pond in the lobby and ocean view kind of nice.

Honestly, there isn't much to say about spring conference besides the fact that I really enjoyed seeing the whole cohort again. I ate a lot of amazing food, saw some beautiful Jeju-do sights and far more nature than I have in a while, and sat in a lot of workshops in the hotel ballroom. Spring conference is always described as "the beginning of the end" and that's definitely how it felt. From now on, I'm more or less coasting down the path to August.

*A note on North Korea-U.S. tensions: western attitudes and Korean attitudes toward the situation are really different, i.e. in South Korea people do not care at all. If you're interested in the South Korean perspective on the nuclear tensions, these are two English language Korean publications that I recommend:

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www2/index.asp

http://www.koreaherald.com/

And, some info that's been useful for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N3qHSG6F2s

http://now.tufts.edu/articles/understanding-dictator